Runner-up, February, 2005 Codependency
An eight year-old child My Parents Divorce. Sent to live with my mom A move made with force.
My Mother had never been around since birth Three kids were blowing her mind Since I was the oldest of the litter My first care-giving job was full time babysitter.
Any child of this young age Wishes to have fun and play all day. But I cared for two others and myself, Our Mother always was away.
Early on in my new job I found the fear in the silence of night No one around and so all alone I longed for security and to be held tight.
It was hard to strive for perfection My mother was so demanding Keep the housework done and kids bathed and in bed. Mess up once and receive Belt Buckle Branding.
After five months of us kids living in isolation, To our Dads house we were then sent back. Grandma, Ruby and Daddy were boss. But the hugs, love and acceptance were slack.
We had our meals cooked And our clothes were always clean. My Aunt Ruby and her mental illnesses too lived with my Dad Emotionally I never was a kid and now hopes gone as a teen.
There was my Uncle CJ and his alcohol binges I often would take my younger sister and brother Across the street to seek protection When CJ would fire his gun aiming for one or another.
When my brother Barry first started school My dad put me in charge of his actions As the years went by This phase was just one more of many fractions.
Barry abused drugs and alcohol He dropped out of school in the eighth grade His new homes became a jail or a prison To help care for Barry, in rescue stage I stayed.
I loved my grandma and I called her Mama She adored my first love The son of her one and only doctor He was the only one for me that she was proud of.
Just like present, I had no patience then And everything had to happen now. I had to get out and away from the violence I graduated one year early and with another I made a vow.
He said he loved me and he said he cared He was drunk the honeymoon night. It took ten years of lies and having two Children Before I called it over when I finally thought I saw the light.
Into freedom I thought I would try, Then there was Charles; our eyes sending each a loving beam. He begged and begged me for my hand and I said yes. My Prince Charles finally was there to carry me into my dream.
Our honeymoon was literally over When our flight arrived back and our plane lands. I had been with him on drug searches All around and throughout many foreign sands.
Oh My God, I can still hear me scream. What will I do with this one I’ve chosen? I refused to be wrong one more time in my life. He would just have to change or my emotions would live frozen.
I was now a young adult And I had missed most stages of life. I needed to be secured with love and respect. Important needs I’d never received as a child, teen or now as a wife.
I had a good job and I was a good mom. I knew he would change if I’d be an even better wife. I gave and gave love and all I had in me I knew he would change and we would have a good life.
One year went by and it was complete hell. We both fought each other And there were no words that crossed boundaries If I lost this man, there would not be another.
While going to work and crying each day God sent an angel to reach my heart. He told me when I thought I had not a friend in the world left That God was there and all my pain He had already felt.
Wow, what a concept to meet the One I thought I had already known When I needed a Lord now more than just a Savior. God was there with His outstretched arms He took my sins and gave me a new behavior.
I now had someone I could talk to that would really listen to me, He cared for us all and He had this wonderful Plan. I must tell Charles that He can do the same for him too Follow Him I Said. He will lead us now and forever to a better land.
About three months later and tons of prayers sent straight to heaven Christ touched Charles’s heart too. Our home had Christ and all was going well Now was the time my dreams would all come true.
The very night my husband was saved, My Dad had an aortic aneurysm rupture. They said his blood count was zero and his chances were low. I prayed to God to use His Healing Hand as my Dad’s cure.
God gave my Dad another chance at life. He needed much care and I was the one. I had much experience at taking over and taking charge. So for the next ten years I was second to none.
Charles and his parents Had no blood children or grandchildren they could call their own Well, I just knew I could change that too Four ectopic pregnancies and failed in-vitro-all chances were blown.
Despite my many demands and pleas, Charles was a great Dad to Brian and Jen He wasn't consumed with the illness to make anyone change If I only knew now what I did not know then.
My Aunt Ruby had always needed care. If I was already going to my dad's everyday What was one more to love and to see after? I could take care of Ruby too my Dad he did say.
Learning to say no was so foreign to me There was no one else around for the job So I was the one that made time in my life Then my Dad died September 15, 1996 and my heart he did rob.
There are so many things I wish I'd made time to say. I would ask his forgiveness for my resentful ways That it was okay he wasn't at my graduation or my new wedding day.
But, he left Ruby all rights as a child. I inherited her and all of her illnesses. Our home we enlarged and she immediately moved in She was now a complete part of all of our premises.
Later in life, Johnny my brother I tried to change and rescue him. From his selling and doing and getting caught with drugs My own fight for my freedom those chances were so slim.
May 15, 1997, our son, 15 at the time, Brian and I were told “Your Son, he has cancer” To God I screamed out “Please help us live through this.” And one day at a time He was our answer.
My husband and daughter They had a rough time with me giving him all my care. I had to leave the flock and give all of myself to our son. The needed me too and I was just not for them there.
Years later, I see how I spread myself thin. Our son by God’s Grace was okay. He moved out and went off to college And our daughter was receiving my every prayer.
If she would just open her heart I would take care of her too. I never quit loving her and that I had to prove. But it took years for her to see what I already knew.
After 25 years working for one company. They offered me a package to leave and accepted I did. I was now without a job and a fulltime caregiver. As each day went by the more under my bed sheets I hid.
Our daughter graduated high school. She too moved onto college and out of the house. How could I survive now being empty nested? The only ones left were myself and Ruby and Charles my spouse.
For over two years my life fell completely apart. I got one case of shingles after another. Each day seemed to bring on a new undiagnosed illness But the worst thing of all I forgot Christ was a close as a Brother.
I was so far away from Him, I did not even know to seek and He I would find. He was waiting there and I could not see I looked for everything to please me but I was so blind.
My husband, his lies starting coming in. The ill-mannered mouth was free to say it all. I could not speak up for myself Because I felt his fear and anger were too tall.
How does one who’s made a career Of caring for all others' needs inside and out Reach the one she loved and make an impression I wanted his love and understanding without any doubt.
But, he says he loves another. And to me he was not true Where has life taken me That I must now beg for his view.
I’ve cared and I’ve cared and I am completely cared out. I do not have to live the rest of my life I do not feel needed by anyone anyway So I took pills and pills and I awoke still his wife.
We made vows to each other The good times and the bad Through the sickness and through the health Why did he want to leave and make me so sad?
But wait…what about me? I have been so wrapped up in caring for everyone around God still cares for me And He is showing me I am strong when on my knees I am down.
A Codependent suddenly realizes they have no life. They have been to Hell and back And no one was waiting for them when they needed and wanted Where is the love my husband promised? Hung up on some rack?
I reached a place I am now barely holding on. I must care for me. If I hold on my God will see me through. With Him, I’m no longer blind and I can now see.
Into my future, I can see me smiling again. Happiness and love reside in me and all good I will share. God has Great Plans for me now, and the rest of my life, I know and I believe because I asked already in prayer.
Yes, Love and Trust are most fragile. My heart is severely bruised. I know my marriage and those vows were not all said in vain. One day I will heal from this pain and not feel I was used.
One thing I’ve learned is the Power of “HOW” I still have an Honest and Openness and Willingness to try I am who I am and this me will not change. My approach will tone down and I will quit wondering why?
While I am Honest, I will only accept Honesty. While I have an Open Mind I Have a Willingness to do things differently I will stand up straight and Honor God's Contracts that Bind.
I know that God puts people into each other’s lives for a reason I know this marriage God gave us and blessed I know I am his wife and I am giving it one more chance. I know in Christ His Grace is sufficient and I won’t be depressed.
Yes, I want and need love There is a clear message there. But, if in marriage it must be destructive His ways I will not bear.
In a good healthy marriage It is my deepest desire to love and be loved. I believe I am worthwhile and so should he. And I need to be to my husband his one and only beloved.
Codependents deserve compliments We have the same wants and desires as everyone who is true. They help us to believe the one belief we are working so hard to achieve. That codependents are good people too.
I cannot take back all those years of my life Years I gave to everyone but me. It's hard to learn there is no one I ever did or could change I am only responsible for myself, I finally now can clearly see.
From the day I was born Up to this present day itself God has prepared me for the tomorrows to come. He has led me to find myself.
God Grant me the Serenity to accept That other people I can never change. That is the key. God gives me the courage to change the only one I can And God always gives me the wisdom to know that one is me.
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